Timothy Johnson Photo in Header

« Plotty Training | Main | Home Court Disadvantage »

Authorities Baffled By Conversation Serial Killer

Conversation_crime_scene[Blog Wire Press] - Local authorities are baffled by a series of killed conversations.  Unfortunately, these untimely deaths are providing few clues to police, who arrive in time to find the corpse of a conversation lying dormant on the ground with no witnesses in sight.

"We're baffled.  The killer is showing no distinct patterns," stated an investigator who asked that his name not be used.  The most recent victim was found on a sidewalk near an abandoned garage.  Victims have been found in all parts of town, some in very prominent and well-trafficked areas.  None have survived to identify the perpetrator(s).

Many citizens are becoming more and more concerned about the safety of their conversations, and are taking them online, where they are perceived to be safe.  However, this may or may not be the best solution, depending on one's prowess with social media.  The killers may exist on-line, but may just take on different appearances to suit their needs.

Investigators are researching past "crimes against communication" (CAC) division files.  An essay by John Carey revealed some clues:

And cell phones, fortunately, are everywhere; allowing us to multiplex our minds and our lives. Cell phoning while driving. Cell phoning while eating. Talking on the cell phone at a wedding. I’ve even recently observed fast food restaurant guests talking to each other across the table on their cell phones. Do we really need to communicate this much? Are we discussing Plato or the meaning of life? Not usually. We are often scheduling more work, explaining why we are late, or just wasting time and space on the frequency band.

Conversation_police_lineup_2Meanwhile, police have rounded up some of the usual suspects of crimes of this magnitude, although not one was positively identified in a series of police line-ups.  Detectives are considering contacting conversational forensics experts, Mike Sansone or Valeria Maltoni, to consult on the case.  Meanwhile, security is being beefed up around communications gurus like Connie Reece and Lisa Gates, just as a precaution.

These recent violent acts against communication come as authorities are still reeling from the Morale Marauder, who remains at large after a scandalous spree of kidnapping team morale for ransom.  Authorities have few leads on this case after more than a year of investigation.

If you have any leads on either of these cases, or if you observe suspicious acts toward or near active conversations, you are encouraged to contact the appropriate authorities.


TrackBack URL for this entry:

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Authorities Baffled By Conversation Serial Killer:


Valeria Maltoni

This is way too funny, Tim. I'll keep an eye out for those detectives of yours.

Connie Reece

Thank you for bringing this grave situation to public attention. It has been a difficult few weeks since The Age of Conversation launched. I've considered going into the witless, er witness, protection program but I am determined to keep the conversation going.

Lisa Gates

Since I have now been deputized as a Gateskeeper, it's my duty to report that the iPod has grown peds. Not only that, the blackberry has been seen convincing finches to pluck its seeds and deposit them in fertile soil. Meanwhile, cell phones are capable of vibrating at alarmingly high rates and basically just walking themselves out the door.

We're flummoxed, but there's hope. We're close to cracking the code on telepathic communication.

Your's in CAC enforecement.

Tom Haskins

Auto manufacturers disclaim any responsibility for the decline in conversations. There lab tests show their products contain no MSG, PFC's or other toxins. Yet independent laboratories are establishing a link between intense use of vehicles and the emergent contagion of motor mouths. The production of incessant verbiage, while not caused by SUV's, is apparently influenced by prolonged road traffic. Like the phone/ PDA/ Skype technologies, vehicles connote "getting where we want to go with hardware". We cannot take conversations into realms of insight, empathy or paradox while driving, text messaging or motor-mouthing. Deep conversations are framed as pedestrian (techno dropout, uncool, clueless). Expect more superficiality while machines set the standard.

Timothy Johnson

That's what I love about my readers... their comments and sense of humor just overwhelm anything I can think of. Great comments, all of you. I was in tears laughing about Connie's "Witless" protection program and Tom's disclaimer about motor mouths. Lisa, I could definitely see you in bLAWg enforcement.


I could not agree more - there are generally two things that prevents organizational efficiency (at specific level) and that is distraction and fear!

The comments to this entry are closed.

Like What You're Reading? Buy A Book

subscribe to feed

  • Click the button for the free RSS feed. (What is RSS?)

    Or get the feed in your email. Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

Follow Me!

Search Carpe Factum

  • Google

    carpe factum
Powered by TypePad