Avoiding the DISS-ciple

Did you know that if you flip the syllables on the word mentor, with a slight adjustment you get the word torment?

Two decades into the professional world, I've had the opportunity to have a mentor as well as be a mentor.  The best mentor relationships are those that have grown naturally out of respect and trust, where both parties were open to listening and taking action.

But there have been some disastrous mentor-protege relationships as well.  The ones which have been assigned as an "orientation buddy" rarely work.  Those mentor relationships that are forged out of "damage control" also often end badly.  When I was learning the "tricks of the trade" in team facilitation, I was assigned to a mentor to develop these skills.  "Mary" thought the sun rose and set in herself, and she was also very insecure (yeah, the irony of her being a facilitation mentor isn't lost on me either).  If I didn't hang on her every word, if I dared to take one of her ideas and expand it to try something new, if I didn't fluff her ego enough, Mary ran straight to my boss and complained that I was "difficult to work with."  You can guess where that relationship went.

The trick is to determine whether you want to build a protege or a disciple.  (Now before you wig out on the term, it does not have to have religious overtones of Jim Jones' Koolaid stand.)  As a matter of fact, Paul Hoffman writes a brilliant post on the topic in the Top Management Tips blog.  The four stages of discipleship really define what a successful mentor-protege relationship look like:

The first stage is initiation, the protégé recognizes and appreciates the talents, and expertise the mentor brings to the relationship. Second, the protégé and mentor begin a process of interpersonal bonding. In this deepening relationship, they begin sharing vision, values, and connecting personal goals and organizational goals. At some point the third stage occurs, separation. The protégé or the discipling mentor experiences a drifting apart. One or the other receives a promotion, become physically separated, or the protégé is more independent. The final, fourth stage is redefinition. Some event in the organizational life of the protégé brings her/him back to the former mentor. They re-establish their relationship on different terms, not as mentor and protégé.

Ask yourself these questions about your current mentor-protege relationships:

1. Was it assigned or cultivated?
2. Did it develop out of necessity or nature?
3. Do the mentor and protege genuinely see something in each other worth investing in the relationship?
4. Are both gaining value out of the relationship?
5. Is it interdependent rather than codependent?
6. Is there a goal in mind for the relationship?  (examples: indoctrination into a culture, behavior change, skill development)
7. Is there so much riding on the relationship that it becomes too important to fail?

You can surmise the "right" and "wrong" answers from the above questions.  If there's more TORMENTING than MENTORING going on, it leads to one more question:  what are YOU going to do about it?

Comments

[Mark True]

Tim:

As I read just your first paragraph from my feed-reader, I was thinking about your main point: mentors emerge naturally.

Such was the case with one of my past mentors, the late Steve Moon. He and I developed a great relationship - almost father-like at certain moments - that helped me understand the client-agency relationship, improve my writing, look at the creative process in a different way, manage people and be a better marketer and person.

I don't know what he got out of the relationship, but I'm much improved having known and learned from him.

-Mark

[Timothy Johnson]

Thanks for sharing, Mark. I'm sure Steve got a lot out of relationship also. Having known you for a couple of years myself, it is a pleasure just talking to you and bouncing ideas and thoughts. I've highly valued my mentor and protege relationships that have developed and evolved naturally.