DUH-cisions

"Nobody can make me feel inferior without my consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt

There's a lot of great discussion going on right now about how we react to each other.  Peace on earth?  Nope.  Good will towards men?  Um, not so much.  No, I'm not really that cynical, although I have been hearing snatches about shoppers rage recently (my heart still goes out to the innocent victims in Omaha and other shooting events who were in the wrong place at the wrong time).

But what about how we respond and react to each other on a day-to-day basis under seemlingly normal circumstances?  Certainly all of our conversations cannot be happy little ego-strokings.  Sometimes we have to have difficult conversations.  Sometimes we disagree.  Sometimes we make boneheaded comments.  Sometimes we have to say "no."

But how do we react when others initiate ill-fated communication?  Liz Strauss had a beautiful post today about responses.  I saw it after following (and contributing to) an amazing string of conversation on April Groves' blog.  In both cases, it would appear that we ourselves own the reaction, even though we don't always own the catalyst.

What is the best strategy to use when somebody makes a comment we don't like or appreciate?  Count to ten?  Deep breaths?  Mentally write their obituary?  What do you think?

Comments

[Pawel Brodzinski]

Discuss. Try to understand. When your approach is to understand why the comment has appeared you can actually find the source of the issue.

I usually try to get into discussion, although trying to keep yourself unbiased is oh so very hard. Anyway, getting into merits helps much. You either have the issue named or see the problem clearly as others see it.

[Timothy Johnson]

Good point, Pawel. It takes time to actually diagnose the root cause of another's point of view, and unfortunately too few of us (myself included) feel we have the extra time it takes to avoid communication and relational problems down the road.

Your comment is an excellent reminder to do that.

Another of Eleanor Roosevelt's comments that I like (and try to remind myself of daily) is "We see the world, not as it is, but as we are."

[April Groves]

I gotta ditto Pawel...

I just can't help but think that the answer in always conditional. If it is about favorite flavors of coffee, no big deal...other things...maybe we need to discuss it. Somethings can pass, other things...not so much...

[Timothy Johnson]

Certainly there are times to stand up and voice your offense at somebody else's bad judgment. I guess I'm more concerned (specifically relating to this post) about those moments when it's just best to "consider the source." Or - equally important - to wonder if maybe the other party is right and we should turn the offense inward.

But you are both right... this situation is conditional. The trick is knowing how to assess the "condition"

[Eric Peterson]

I suppose it's obvious from my comment on April's post that I am one to react immediately, without taking the necessary time to think about what's going on. It's something that I have been working on for some time now....not getting "defensive" or "offended" when someone's view is different than my own, or when I perceive someone as challenging my views/opinions.

I've actually been reflecting on this quite a bit since. Did I on this occasion (or do I on other occasions) overreact? Should there have been a different response? I'll say "no" to this specific occasion and stick to my choosing to be offended. BUT, I also have taken the conversation to heart, and am realizing that it is good to have people in your life who will challenge your bias, challenge your thoughts, challenge your opinions. Otherwise, life could get pretty boring!

So, in hindsight, would I do it differently? Maybe, but I doubt it. No regrets, right? Time to move forward, remembering that "offense is a choice," and maybe I should be more like Harry from Dumb and Dumber:
LLOYD: "Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense."
HARRY: "No, none taken."

[Timothy Johnson]

But the point is, Eric, you made a choice, and you acknowledge you made a choice. And that's what I was driving at... from the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, you gave your consent (not for inferiority, but for your reaction).

Love the dumb and dumber quote... sure drives home the idea.